The Conversation Hack of 2023

Being a great conversationalist is a superpower. 

If you can engage people in conversation with charm and ease, you are a gift to your friends — and everyone you meet.

The opposite is also true.

In college, I remember sitting in our lunchroom when a good friend shared a vulnerable story about his upbringing. I wanted to validate his feelings and ask follow-up questions, but another friend immediately jumped in to share, “When that happened to me ..” and proceeded to tell a long story about her own childhood. We never returned to the original anecdote, and I remember feeling badly for my first friend. 

This was unusual in college. 

But now, after years of lapsed conversational practice because of covid, I worry that our ability to thoughtfully navigate conversations has atrophied. Or disappeared.

If you’re in a group, perhaps you’ve noticed, “When that happened to me ..” responses to almost every story shared, independent of questions it might have raised or feelings that hoped to be acknowledged. In the past year, I have seen this instinct to turn every topic towards a story about yourself in almost every group, every single day (unless, I will share, I’m with a meditator or a journalist or, on a blessed day, both).

And so today I make a humble suggestion, the first time I have shared this idea.

What if we let a thing be a thing?

What if someone shared something in conversation, and you allowed the topic to stay the center of attention, letting it linger like the taste of a fine chocolate? What if you asked questions to learn more, such as why or when or how that impacted the person speaking? 

What if we didn’t turn each moment of conversation — into a chance for us to share about ourselves?

What if we didn’t want to be the center of attention in this moment but instead to learn more about the person speaking — a true, genuine curiosity?

What if the next step in our evolution of listening — is actually listening? What if we didn’t want to share more about ourselves but preferred to let someone else be heard? What if we let their thing, their subject, their share, be a thing on its own?

As a bullied kid who longed to be popular, I began studying the art of conversation at age nine. I continue to listen and learn and study how people interact each day. I think about how to interact with baristas, with the person behind me in line, with old friends and new friends, and during group meals. 

I love people. Most of the time.

But I worry about the self focus that has emerged these past few years. And I worry about its impact on our ability to engage with each other.

I want to let a thing be a thing. I seek to do this in conversations now, to not respond with, “When that happened to me,” but instead to allow someone to really share. I seek to really listen. To not turn the attention towards myself. I am not perfect at this, but I am trying. Each day. Mindfully.

Will you join me?

If you do, please let me know how it goes.

And together, we on our paths could start a revolution of modern listening. We can let a thing be a thing. And allow a thing — to not be about us. 

Cheers to the art of conversation. I appreciate you.

With love,
Dina